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Gambling is a funny thing. Not just funny “Ha Ha” or funny like ‘gambling’s a tricky thing,’ but funny because the games themselves – and the people who play them – are sometimes so ridiculous as to be laughable. Below are five of our favorite gambling jokes. We hope you find them as funny (and true) as we do.
ON MAKING IT IN VEGAS – Gambling Jokes
After a day’s work, a man returns home to find his wife packing a suitcase.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“To Las Vegas!” she says. “My friend told me there are men in Vegas that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!”
The man considers what she’s said, and then begins packing HIS bags.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
ON BEING RESPONSIBLE – Gambling Jokes
A doctor receives a phone call from his colleague while having dinner with his wife.
“We need a fourth for poker,” says the colleague.
“I’ll be right over,” responds the doctor.
He tells his wife that he’s sorry but he must leave for an urgent matter.
As he is putting on his coat, his wife asks, “It’s serious, then?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” says the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
ON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FUN MODE & REAL CASH GAMES – Gambling Jokes
Bill Gates arrives at the entrance to the afterlife. On his left is the gate to heaven. On his right, the gate to hell.
Petrus says to him: “We have a problem, Bill. We don’t know what to do with you. Thus, you may choose for yourself between heaven and hell.”
Bill peeks into heaven and sees a couple of old men seated around a table. Bill peeks into hell and hears loud rock and roll music and sees a bar, several beautiful women, people having sex, and most important, people gambling.
“I want to go to hell!” shouts Bill, whereupon he is immediately thrown into the fire.
“Hey!” he screams. “What the hell is this? You promised me gambling, women and sex!”
The devil says: “That was just a demo version.”
ON HOW TO AVOID GETTING IN TROUBLE WITH THE MISSUS – Gambling Jokes
Two men are preparing to leaving a casino at 3:00am.
The first man says to the second: “You know what I hate about this? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight about my being out late.”
the second man says: “I used to do the same thing. But now, what I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam that door, too. Then I yell “Honey, I’m home!” and I run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, “How about a little love, woman?” She never even moves.
ON THE IMPORTANCE OF THE PRE-NUP – Gambling Jokes
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Bertha, pack up your things. I just won the lottery!” Bertha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”